How many times a day do you use the word “my” to describe a particular relationship you have with someone in your life? For example, you could say “my husband,” “my son,” “my friend,” or “my parents.” While the possessive pronoun “my” helps explain certain relationships, it can actually create problems in our minds when we begin to believe that people actually “belong to us.”

I have heard spiritual teachers discuss the concept that we do not really own our possessions in this life. We can’t take them with us when we leave. Certainly, we can collect “things” that have value, whether financial or sentimental, throughout our lives. Some treasured belongings that we can have for a long time. Other possibilities are that our possessions are lost due to a disaster, such as fire or flood. Sometimes our things are taken from us when someone steals from us. Sometimes we give away valuable possessions because it helps another and makes us feel good in the process. Occasionally things just get lost or even broken.

The idea is to understand that our possessions are not really ours to keep forever. We become the guardian of the object while it is in our possession until the moment it is transmitted to another person. This can be a very healthy way of looking at our relationship with the things in our life. It helps us to recognize our responsibility to take good care of the things we possess, as well as to understand the transitory nature of possessions. Nothing is forever. This way, if something is lost or taken away, you can quickly recover by reminding yourself that ownership was simply transferred to someone else for the time being.

I suggest that it would be helpful to begin to think of loved ones in our lives in the same way. The people we have come to think of as “bears” are simply lending us for a set amount of time. We have our parents for a time, our children, our friends, and our loved ones.

Can you start to think of these people as gifts in your life, rather than yours to possess? If we put aside the false belief that people “belong to us,” then we can be much more understanding and tolerant when they leave us for whatever reason.

Your parents will die. It is part of the life cycle. If you’re interested in keeping them around forever and thinking of them as your own, then you might get angry and feel betrayed when it’s time to leave. However, if you think of them as lifelong teachers whose work is done, then it may be easier for you to allow them to transition without a sense of panic on your part.

If and when “your” children make decisions that go against what you think they should do, then you will be angry and hurt because they were not more considerate of your feelings. Instead, if you think of them as mysterious and wonderful children who were given to you for a time to pass on their knowledge and experience, then when they begin to make independent decisions, you may view that behavior with pride, rather than a sense of loss.

When “my” son joined the military and went to Iraq, I could have chosen to blame him for not doing so so I don’t have to worry. She certainly didn’t want him to do anything dangerous. After all, he had spent his entire life trying to protect him and here he was making decisions that put him in danger! How do you dare! It was only when I came to understand that this young man did not really belong to me. He was his own person, with his own purpose and his own independent will. Once I accepted that idea, I was able to put my possessiveness aside and encourage him to be everything he wants to be.

Now the hard part. A person wrote to me today from myspace, someone I had not spoken to before. He told me his story. He had been married once and was deeply in love. His wife wanted a divorce, so he gave it to her, but he still loved his wife. Then, he puts another woman who really loved him. They were talking about getting married, but he realized that he still loved his wife, so he tried to reconcile with her. She wanted nothing to do with it, so she married this second woman. They had a happy marriage for about 12 years, but then they got divorced. Then he puts a third woman and they fall in love. They had a great relationship for about a year and then she decided she had to go her own way. He regretted the fact that he could not find lasting love with a woman. It is true that I have not heard his full story, but what I did hear was that he had at least three significant love relationships in his life, which is much more than many of us have.

The problem arises when we decide that we are the owners of another person and we not only have the right, but the obligation, to unite him to us, even when the person we love wants to leave. I certainly believe in trying to work out your differences in your relationships and I am not advocating simply giving up without trying. But what I am saying is that we cannot keep a person in a relationship against their will. Kindly allow your loved one to leave, realizing that he or she was never “yours” in the first place.

We do not own people. Instead, thank him for freely sharing your life for the time he did. Be grateful for the opportunities, not resentful that it is over. When a relationship closes, it is the time for introspection and preparation for the next person to honor you with their presence.