I’m by far the worst person to pick up girls, but you know what they say “the ones who can’t teach.” So here I am caught up in my avoidance behavior by a stranger no doubt, someone who stumbled upon something I wrote and realized immediately that I have been living in the shadow of “catching fear.”

It’s funny that most people think I’m confident, see me laugh, be loud, and joke around and assume it’s easy for “seemingly” extroverts to understand. Well the reality, as many of you know, is that appearances are often not the depth of the person, and when you start peeling back the layers, you discover that underneath the distracting glossy exterior is shyness, insecurity, fears and maybe even worthlessness.

I was a very ugly child, seriously, I had big thick glasses, suspenders (all the helmet), very tall, hunched over and with long curly hair always in my face. He didn’t have much to look at and with that came the evasion of the people; the bullying I received during my stay at the French school didn’t help either. By the time I got to high school, my braces had been removed, my contact lenses were in, my hair was tied back, and that little French accent got me everything I wanted in South African school.

Oh yeah! I went from being nothing to something different, and I never really had to or wanted to learn how to flirt with someone. Also, being a big, fat lesbian didn’t help because she had little interest in boys, but wanted to play and be friends with them, which seemed to make them more interested, so she also removed the challenge of learning.

So here I am thirty years old, sitting in a bar with my best friend having no idea how I’m going to show Tann (I won’t soon forget the reader!) That she’s wrong.

Well, it goes without saying that it was a total disaster, but I did learn some important tips on flirting and flirting with women.

Here goes nothing:

You have to have courage and not the liquid type because that makes you stupid. Believe in yourself that there is something incredible worth sharing with a woman who also appeals to you.

“Nothing risky, nothing gained”, I am a true believer in this. Having worked so hard in my education and related areas, I have come to realize that if you don’t try to fight for something, you will get NOTHING!

This is an important question: “Don’t guess the attention!” I’m horrible at this, I see someone looking and automatically I think there is something on my face. I think they can’t be staring at me, it must be the person behind me, or they’re repulsed and can’t stop staring at the weirdness. If you suffer from this disruptive belief, put an elastic band around your wrist and every time you have that thought, give a little movement (WARNING: pain will be involved, for those who do, they must try something else because it is I don’t know! Supposed to be a reward!)

Have a positive attitude about flirting and be open to the possibilities. Going into a situation with the attitude of “nothing is going to come out of this” will get you nowhere. Using Alex’s thought “you must come to me because seriously, I have no idea” must also end and balance must be restored. Do not allow yourself to miss opportunities, for example: you see her alone at the other end of the bar and you are with your friends and the two have been looking at each other. Don’t expect her, you should approach her because a group of people can be intimidating at times or she may be trying to be respectful in case a girlfriend is hiding somewhere.

Be honest let out the big fat pink elephant, called it what it is: “I’m horrible about this, but I can’t stop looking at you and I would hate to go home tonight regretting not talking to you.” A girl said that to me once and she literally turned me into a puddle on the ground, I could see how nervous she was and her sincerity and she got my full attention.

Accept “thank you, but no thank you.” I know rejection sucks, in fact this week I was chatting to a girl doing my flirty stuff (now that I’m an expert!) And she told me the distance was too long for her to be interested. Yes, I was wrecked and wanted to throw up in my mouth in horror, but I just put the key in the car and got over it! I’m kidding, seriously !! People have needs and some will express them, just be polite and understand that you are not always going to meet those needs.

Learning body language, the way people look and move tells you a lot about whether or not you should continue. Large dilated pupils indicate attraction, unless they are high then reject that one. Playing with hair, fidgeting, or stuttering like crazy (I hate this one) are quite a gift.

Finally RELAX, do not approach the situation with the intention that she is your wife and has your ten children or that it is going to be a boom and that if she felt the same she would have already approached you. Reframe it, walk into what you hope will be a conversation and journey of discovery to someone else with an unknown destination. That will definitely make the adventure more interesting (Thanks Tann for that, it’s all you).

Well I’m going to Charlotte, NC PRIDE this weekend, so wish me luck with my new lessons and if I forgot anything, please let me know!

Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru