Ideally, when you have children, your goal is to support, teach, and train them in the right ways to live and act, and help them become productive and wise citizens, contributing to the betterment of humanity.

For this to be imputable in their lives, they will need a lot of instruction, guidance, communication, experimentation, life lessons, affirmation, discipline, and love.

Discipline is often a misunderstood word. Many people think that the word “discipline” is synonymous with spanking. This opinion is far from correct. During the course of a child’s development, the word “discipline” refers to the means by which the child is trained and character is built. The parent is teaching acceptable behavior and self-control, and this is discipline. For example, when a child is taught to use proper manners, they will discipline themselves through repetition, continual enforcement, and proper example of the use of words like “please” and “thank you.” This repeatedly reinforced pattern of behavior means that the child is being disciplined to adopt that pattern. For a child to be disciplined, she must have a disciplinarian; children do not discipline themselves. Dedication to the process is key!

Shooting is very counterproductive when it comes to discipline! In order for your child to listen and learn from you, he must remain calm and authoritative. If you’re yelling at the child, chances are he’s disconnecting from you and not showing you the respect he should. It is easy to get frustrated with the child and feel like yelling. When this happens, it is best for the child to go to her room, sit on her bed and think about what he has done. This gives you time to collect yourself and decide how best to handle the situation.

There are likely to be times during the course of a child’s life when discipline also requires some form of punishment. Typically, this happens when the child has not only refused to do what has been ordered, but is also belligerently defying a particular rule or request. I find that most of the time children will answer how you want them to answer if given 2 options. For example: “Okay, you have two options, either you do your homework right now or you’ll do the dishes every night for the rest of the week.” Most kids are smart enough to see that it’s much better to do their homework now than do the dishes all week and they’ll go ahead and do it without further resistance. If you decide to do the dishes for him, the next thing to say would be something like, “Okay, you’ll do the dishes every night this week instead of doing your homework right now. I’ll give you exactly one hour to play.” before you do your homework, but then you’ll either do your homework or you’ll also be banned from TV until next Monday.” This is the “two-choice” form of discipline with the possible consequence of punishment and it almost always works.

Most of the time, the positive approach to discipline is the most effective of all. The positive approach to discipline is to make the child obey her will happily! For example: “Hey kids, would you like to play a game of Uno with me?” “Yeah!” “Ok, I’ll tell you what, clean all your rooms and put things where they belong and I’ll play a game of Uno with you.” This makes the child anxious to do what is asked and does not even recognize that discipline is being exercised. Be sure to check that things have not been thrown in the closet or under the bed. If they did, give them five or ten minutes to correct it. If it is not corrected in the allotted time, tell them that they will have to wait until after dinner to play and that the room must be cleaned properly or there will be no game. Another example of this form of discipline would be, “Hey, who would like to help me make dinner tonight?” “I would like to!” “Ok, hurry up and pick up that mess in the living room and put it away properly, I’m about to start dinner and you can help me if the living room gets cleaned up on time.”

If you want to do something and you know the child will fight against doing it, use reverse psychology to do it. For example: “I wish I had someone strong enough to help me move that huge laundry basket to the front of the washer!” The boy will tell you that he is strong enough to do it. Challenge him by saying, “Oh no way, that basket is too big and heavy for you to move!” The kid will do whatever it takes and carry the basket to the washer for you! Then be sure to tell him how amazed you are by his superior strength! It’s also a good idea to share your super achievement with someone else when they’re listening. Soon he will offer to carry anything he thinks is heavy for you.

Praise is by far THE biggest motivator with kids! Telling them, for example, that you can’t think of anyone who is better at cleaning the bathtub than them, will surely get the child to clean the bathtub like a whistle and the child will leave with a smile from ear to ear. after doing it! Be sure to make the effort to go and see the work done and praise them top to bottom!

Playing discipline games is also very effective. For example, you could put a paper face on the mop handle, play music, and let the child pretend the mop is a dance partner as they dance around cleaning the floor. Another effective way to make a discipline game is to time a particular project to see how quickly it can be accomplished. Let’s say Susie is always late for school because she is entertaining herself instead of getting to work. She starts timing her without her knowing. If possible, it’s best to use a timer when doing this (many cell phones have a timer). Then show her the results when she’s done preparing. Tell her you’ll time her again tomorrow and say, “Let’s see if you can beat your own record!” If you have more than one child and they like to compete, you can see who finishes first. This will sometimes not work if the first child is always faster than the other; the slowest child will stop trying. In these cases it is best to use the “beat your own record” method.

Nip things in the bud! I have found that a simple: “Oh! We are not complaining!” However, “Ah! That word is not allowed!” However, “Ah! There will be no discussion!” it actually tends to quickly stop undesirable behavior.

Many parents constantly tell their children: “You are grounded!” This punishment should be used (in my opinion) only in the most extreme cases, such as the child dropping out of school, cursing or defying the teacher at school, or hitting a parent, etc. Excessive use of this punishment will produce a despondent and depressed child. They will remember the reason for the punishment much better if they are rarely punished in this way.

Remember to communicate with your children from when they are very young! Be their best friend and show them that you are always interested in what interests them. Communication is a key element in the proper development and building of your child’s good moral character. Have special nights with your children one on one. This makes them feel special and helps them open up more easily when their siblings are not around.

Remember also that experimentation is a big part of the growing process. Sometimes this means that the child will act foolishly. He or she will make decisions that are by no means wise. They will need you to reassure them of your love, as well as communicate to them why their choice was bad, including any consequences that might have occurred and how they could have made better choices.

A child left without discipline in his life will be less happy, less productive, and much more likely to join a gang and/or commit crime. Being a disciplinarian requires imagination and determination. Consistency is especially needed or it will become more frustrating than effective. If you are not consistent, the child will never take you seriously and will most likely produce a rebellious and defiant spirit. Be consistent from the start! Never waver, never back down, and remember to communicate!

By putting these disciplinary principles into practice, your child will be a blessing to raise and a treasure to your heart all the days of his life. In addition, it is likely that one day she will use these same practices when she raises her own children.