A marriage to a narcissist can be a miserable and unnerving experience. Due to the wiring of someone afflicted with malignant narcissism, his narcissistic spouse commits very hurtful acts, leaving him confused, in pain, and often questioning his own sanity. With a lack of empathy, a willingness to use others to get ahead, a great sense of self-worth and exaggerated achievement, an attitude of entitlement and haughtiness, a demand for extreme levels of admiration, idealized fantasies about ideal love, beauty, or power , and jealousy for the success of others, the narcissist wants what he wants and does not seem to care what must be done to get it. Divorcing from a narcissist is never easy, but escaping from such a destructive relationship is important and can be done. Here are 4 steps to successfully escaping from a marriage to a narcissist:

1. Cover your legal bases. Get a good lawyer who understands narcissism. This is very important. You cannot reason with a narcissist in the same way that you can reason with a normal person, and your attorney must understand this. Find out how to better protect yourself and your children. If you are concerned that your partner is a potential danger to your children (and narcissists certainly can be), request a custody evaluation immediately, as it can take several months to complete.

2. Address your financial situation in advance. Get a credit card in your name, while your credit is still combined with that of your spouse. Open your own bank account and get some emergency cash reserves. While it may not be legal for your spouse to freeze marital assets, leave nothing behind beyond the narcissist. While your attorneys go before a judge to force your spouse to comply with a court order, you need to make sure you have some money to live on. If you are concerned that your spouse knows you are hiding the emergency fund, use a debit card and request a cash back wherever you make purchases. Then put this money in your account. Be sure to reveal this money once the divorce is in process so you don’t violate any laws or court orders.

3. Create a paper trail. Make copies of all financial records. This includes tax returns, pay stubs, W-2 forms, investment documents, loan information, insurance policies, frequent flyer mileage reports, 401K statements, bank statements, and the like. Your attorney can tell you what information they will ask you to assess your financial situation. Have a copy of your marriage license. Also, keep passports, social security cards, and other official documents for yourself and your children in a secret place for safekeeping. Remove your personal sentimental items from your home. Ideally, give them to someone you trust to keep. Document everything. Times, dates, places of illegal, immoral or harmful behavior of your partner. This can be helpful for your attorney, as well as a custody evaluator, if you have one.

4. DO NOT listen to your narcissistic spouse’s messages. Ideally, you will not have any contact. If this is not possible, remember that what the narcissist is saying is selfish and quite possibly a lie. You can even choose to adopt a nonsensical sound that you play in your head, such as “lalalala” when your partner speaks to you. Spend time with trusted friends and family, and / or a counselor, who will help you keep a correct perspective on yourself. Listening to the narcissist and accepting criticism or reasoning from that person will alter your thoughts about yourself and the situation. The narcissist wants any response he can get from you. Play interactions with a poker face and don’t let your narcissistic spouse know what you want because they will most likely use it against you.