I talk about self-care a lot because I think this is something most women need to practice. We are good at taking care of others and not so good at taking care of ourselves. I am absolutely in this category: I am well aware that I am not good for anyone if I don’t take care of myself, and yet I need to keep reminding myself of this fact. It’s so easy to get into the “everyone else first” pattern because it feels good to be of service. It makes me happy to see others happy.

And I realize that there are some very clear signals that I send myself when it’s time to focus on self-care. Here are some of my signs and clues that I’ve dropped the self-care ball.:

• You know that giant “welcome home” hug from kids that knocks you off your feet? If that’s annoying instead of adorable, that’s my first sign.
• I get very bad at work and stomp instead of walking
• I find myself chanting the “not enough” mantra: not enough time, not enough money, not enough wine in this glass…
• I get lethargic, listless and have a general need to curl up on my couch.
• I crave really junky chocolate (the stuff you know will make you feel like crap) and generally overeat.
• I feel frantic and overwhelmed and say things like “There’s no way I can do all this!”
• Fun things usually stress me out (eg, planning a birthday party, ordering Christmas presents)
• I feel thick and heavy and depressed about how my body looks.
• I smile and laugh a lot less, and I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Many of the things that stress me out are external (eg, busy day at work, messy house), but the important thing to remember here is that my ability to deal with these external things is directly related to how well I am taking care of myself. I can handle the stressful meeting with the vice president if I take care of myself. I can happily clean the kitchen and do laundry if I take care of myself. When I try to do all those things without taking care of myself, it becomes overwhelming and stressful. So it’s not the external events, it’s how I’m interpreting and dealing with them.

… So what is self care? Honestly, when my trainer first asked me what I do to take care of myself, all I could come up with was a list of “shoulds” that really stressed me out: go to the gym, read smarter books, clean my house, eat something healthy. spending time with the kids…etc. I had no idea how to really take care of myself because it had never crossed my mind!

I have been working on this ever since and have found a definition of self care that is working for me:

Doing something that feels really good and meets the needs of my higher self.

It is incredibly important that whatever you do fills both parts of this definition. Many things that feel good actually satisfy the needs of one of my inner saboteurs or critics. To be most nurturing, self-care is really about reconnecting with that part of yourself that is bigger than your physical body.. The universe, your soul, God… whatever your word reminds you that you are part of something more, that we are all connected and that you are not alone.

For example, going to the gym is a “no” for me on the Self-Care meter. Sure it feels good after I’m done and exercise is incredibly important, but the reason I was going was not to satisfy my higher self. He was going because he thought he “should” and it was more of a punishment than anything else. The belief was that my body in its current form is not good enough and that I “should” go to the gym because I need to fix myself.

Instead, I go for a walk. I recently discovered that I actually love being outdoors and taking a walk in nature feels amazing! And here’s the trick – the slower I go, the more the walk fills me up. The less I try to “make the walk count” the more I soak in the sights and smells and that’s when I connect with my higher self.

Another example: Sour Cream Bacon Fries are delicious! On really tough days, curling up on the couch with one of those goofy bags feels really good. And they absolutely do not meet the needs of my higher self. They meet the needs of my “F-it!” Saboteur who tells me that I should do whatever I want because I work hard and “I deserve it dammit!”. That bitch never has my best interests in mind.

My higher self loves me completely, and I would never choose to contaminate my body with junk food. My higher self treats this body as if it were the body of a child. I love you so much that I will only give you the most delicious and nutritious things to keep you in perfect health so that you can go out into the world and do what you are here to do..

So instead, I am actively practicing listening to my body and giving it what it wants to eat in the moment. This is a new practice for me and I have officially called 2013 “The Year of the Body!” You know what feels really good and satisfies my higher self? Soup, tea, dark chocolate and KALE! (I love those things)

Now, this is the hardest part of self-care: it’s going to change. Some days what feels really good and fills your higher self will be completely different than other days.. Curling up on the couch and reading a great book might be perfect one day, and another day what you really need is to get out and move your body. Regular monitoring and paying attention is a practice.

So what about you? What are the Cues & Clues you need to take care of yourself?

What could you do today that makes you feel really good and meets the needs of your higher self?