Why does everyone love Raymond? I would like to hit him on the head.

To set the record straight, I love the TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond” (because I identify with him) and I bet that in real life Ray Romano is a wonderful, loyal husband and confident adult. But his character on the show is a gutsless wimp who constantly ignores the needs of his wife in order to please his narcissistic parents.

While most of us cringe when Raymond’s mother, Marie, manipulates everyone with guilt, we don’t realize that Raymond is the one who allows her to have such a destructive effect on their marriage. He listens to his mother gossip about his wife instead of saying, “Mom, I’m not going to listen to you talk about Debra behind her back.” He remains silent when his parents criticize Debra’s cooking, cleanliness, parenting methods, and clothes. He is so focused on pleasing his parents that he rarely tries to be a loyal husband.

My husband used to be a “Raymond” but now I call him “Super Husband of the Universe”. It took him nine hellish years, but he finally transferred his parent’s allegiance to me. If he is married to a “Raymond”, here are five things you can do to win his loyalty:

1. Model healthy behavior so that you notice a contrast between your behavior and the behavior of your parents. Don’t give him the silent treatment or try to control everything he wants to say, do, eat, drink, wear and buy. Don’t volunteer to do things for or with your friends or parents without asking first. Don’t manipulate him with guilt trips or dirty looks. Communicate that their needs and opinions are just as important as yours.

2. Instead of calling him a cheating husband, calmly tell him specific things you would like him to say and do whenever certain situations with your parents arise. For example, “Honey, the next time your parents invite us to visit over the holidays, it would be great if you would talk it over with me before we get engaged.”

3. Instead of telling your husband what idiots his parents are, contact them directly. Sometimes it’s your responsibility to talk to your in-laws instead of waiting for your husband to handle the situation. For example, if he’s tired of his father-in-law making fun of his weight problem, then tell him that he hopes he doesn’t do it anymore (and if he continues to do it, leave the room or hang up the phone). telephone). Don’t pressure her husband to tell you to leave her alone.

4. Ask a friend for support to encourage you. You are not a robot, so you will have some negative feelings towards your parents and you will need to take them out on someone other than your husband. It’s a bad idea to complain to your own mom about your husband because you’ll forgive him long before she does. Find someone who can listen to you vent, but then encourage you to love your husband more than you hate his parents. Don’t just gossip and let it end there; Ask your friend to hold you accountable for being assertive with your husband and his parents. Conduct yourself in a dignified and respectful manner so that you can have a great marriage despite having in-laws from hell. If you don’t know anyone who can help you with this, join my support group.

5. Learn how to come together as a couple to deal with difficult in-laws. Read helpful books and articles on this topic. Talk to a counselor. The more she learns, the more confident she will be in dealing with her husband and her parents.

Don’t wait for someone else to improve your marriage. Do what is in your power. Love your husband more than you hate his parents. You can have a great marriage even if you have in-laws from hell.