I have a blog where I share the story of how my marriage survived my husband’s affair. I am often contacted by skeptical women who want to know if husbands still love their wives after an affair, or are they just saying because they got caught or how can he love me and keep cheating on me. because these two things cannot exist together.”

I have done a lot of research on this topic through my own experience and through counseling, and I have had husbands who have cheated on me and have contacted me about how to save their marriages, so I think I have a firm understanding of why husbands cheat and how they can continue. loving their wives after and during infidelity. I will explain how this can be true in this article.

Why Husbands Really Cheat:I used to assume that affairs had everything to do with sex, restoring a man’s feeling of youth or attractiveness, or because men were dissatisfied with their marriages. I was very surprised to find that this is rarely the case.

There’s a well-known study of infidelity showing that men cheat overwhelmingly for emotional rather than physical reasons (meaning it’s less about sex and more about feeling understood and valued). to me. I often hear “I just wanted someone to ‘get’ or appreciate me” or “I just wanted to feel wanted again.”

Most of the time, I ask “well, why the hell didn’t you ask your wife for this?”, and they usually reply something like “I tried, but she’s too busy” or “I didn’t want to make any more demands on her.” . I know this probably sounds crazy to you, because it sounds crazy to me, too. But understand that men and husbands are often poor communicators. Sometimes they don’t even fully understand or process their own feelings, let alone communicate them accurately and appropriately. This in no way diminishes his big mistake, but this is his thought process.

The truth is, there are many reasons why husbands cheat, but the most common is that a man searches for something he feels has been lost and often tries to recapture feelings of being dignified, attractive, and competent. So while I know it may be very hard to believe, it’s less about you (or even her) and more about him. It’s his fault, not yours. (Keep in mind that some men are thrill seekers who use risky behavior to feel valuable. This guy is often a serial cheater. I’m not talking about these men in this article. I’m talking about husbands who faltered once, what deeply regret. , and I will not repeat it.)

How husbands can still love their wives during and after an affair or infidelity:   You should know that the vast majority of men never give up their love for their wives. They are able to compartmentalize and see the two things clearly separate in a way that I probably never could. And, very often, they actually think that they are solving their problems themselves and saving you the hassle. Often, they think (and desperately hope) that you’ll never find out.

And the aforementioned study (and my experience) indicates that overwhelmingly (more than 90%) are desperately sorry for their affair and wish they could take it back. Of course they can’t. But, many of them contact me and want to know how they can “make it up” to their wives or “prove” to their wives that they are sorry, still love her, and want to save their marriages.

Know that marriages can and do survive affairs and infidelity: Many women who contact me assume that I am somehow too forgiving, too sensitive, or that I have some special abilities. I am not and I do not. I struggled for a long time with whether or not I wanted to or was able to save my marriage after my husband’s affair. There were many months where I committed to being open with my husband, only to get mad at him and shut down hours later. My mood swings worried me, but now I know they were normal.

However, I eventually learned that I needed to work on myself and my own self-esteem, to fully believe that I was worthy of my husband’s love and that I deserved (and would demand) some changes in my marriage. However, I also learned that I was engaging in many behaviors that were shutting me down and leaving my marriage vulnerable. Once I worked on myself, I had the confidence and conviction that I was ready to move on.

The truth is that an affair can show you where you need to improve your marriage. My husband is a much better communicator and I am much better at showing and giving affection. This has been a win/win. My self-esteem is better now than the day I got married. We are closer than ever. I honestly can’t say I didn’t wish the affair had never happened, but it did provide us with a wake-up call and our marriage is more fulfilling as a result.

However, at the end of the day, the choice is truly yours. In the end, I chose to make a conscious decision that my marriage and my life were more important and lasting than one mistake. My husband held up there and so did I, but everyone is different.