One night I saw a young man walk up to an older woman in a car in the parking lot. It seemed that he was the son, she the mother. He started yelling at her: “Get out of here!” She didn’t leave and neither did he. He yelled a little louder, “I SAID, get out of here!” He pointed down the road as he yelled, “GET OUT OF HERE. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” He opened the car door repeating: “I SAID GET OUT OF HERE, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.” He seemed to know only those thirteen words and he repeated them over and over again. Finally, he turned and walked away from him as he gestured obscenely over his shoulder. Then, turning to look at her, he gestured once more, then pushed his way between the parked cars. She waited until he was several rows away and left.

Most families have periods when normal functioning is affected, during times of stress (death, serious illness, job loss, etc.), but healthy families return to normal after a crisis passes, while dysfunctional families do not. Dysfunctional parenting includes parents who are overfunctioning (controlling all options), underfunctioning (leaving children to fend for themselves), or boundary violations (abusive). I don’t know the situation of the family upstairs, but I wondered at her anger and then how she had learned to get away with such outrage. I wondered if this was a family that would rise or die.

The effects of a dysfunctional family can be long term, which is not very encouraging considering that almost everyone will experience periods of dysfunction in their families. But as stated in the previous paragraph, “healthy families return to normal after a crisis has passed, while dysfunctional families do not.” If you’re recovering from the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family, “normal” may not come naturally. In pursuit of something habitual and good, you may want to cut out the poisoned or dysfunctional part of your life by simply disengaging from family members. However, the remedy is more complex than breaking relationships, because “As much as you want to get your family out of your heart, you can’t. The bond is born when you are born, like an organ in your body. there is no surgery to remove it. When it’s sick, you live with a dull ache that tells you something inside of you isn’t right.” (Tending Roses, Lisa Wingate, pg. 51) Other or additional remedies must be found.

Seven tonics that can aid your recovery are reading uplifting literature, finding your own wailing wall, praying, looking ahead, seeking professional help, taking stock, and building a creative outlet.

1) Read good uplifting literature. The scriptures are full of examples of strong people who came out of bad circumstances and offer several ideas for overcoming dire situations: Consider Joseph. His brothers wanted to kill him, decided to sell him into slavery, and then lied to his father that a lion had killed him: dysfunction at its best. However, Joseph came out of that situation strong, resilient, intelligent, generous and loving. How did José become so “normal”? Reading the scriptures will help you discover how Joseph succeeded.

Consider the family of Adam and Eve. Cain killed Able in a sibling rivalry battle. But it wasn’t the downfall of his family. Set followed him and became a brave man. How did Adam and Eve put their family back together? Reading his story in scripture shows us how.

Biographies can also provide insights and examples of strong people who overcame difficult circumstances – Abe Lincoln is just one example.

2) Find your own wailing wall. In Jerusalem there is a stone wall called the Wailing Wall where Jews gather to pray and mourn. They write their complaint on slips of paper, roll them up, and stick them into the gaps between the stones in the wall. When they leave, they leave their worries behind. Find a place or activity that allows you to reflect on your loss without consuming yourself. It could be going for a walk or other forms of exercise, talking with a friend, gardening and taking care of flowers, etc. Use your loss to orient yourself, but don’t let it become your lodestar.

3) Pray. There is a saying: “At night, when I go to bed, I leave my worries with God, since He will be awake all night anyway.” Realizing that a higher power is in control gives perspective to problems that seem to be all-consuming, and receiving answers to prayers is not only a directive, but also a comfort.

4) Look ahead. How safe would the roads be if everyone used only their rearview mirror to drive? Life is the same, looking back will not give you an adequate vision of the path ahead. Look up and look ahead. Looking up helps the brain focus on future events. Literally, “keep your chin up.”

5) Take stock. If you are a product of a dysfunctional family, take heart and take stock. You survived. You are resilient. Take a look and see what are some of those features that helped you survive. Perhaps you are responsible because you carried a large part of the household responsibilities. Possibly you are conscientious and sensitive to the needs of people. Perhaps you are empathic with others because of your experiences. Those traits are what helped you survive in your dysfunctional environment. Hold on to them and keep them strong.

6) Seek professional help. Professional help is very similar to a personal tutor in a class. Class is life and you missed some of the homework that would have taught you how to act in normal situations. A professional can help you see what is “normal” and how to act accordingly.

7) Build a creative outlet. Pottery, scrapbooking, knitting, writing, woodworking, painting, poetry writing, quilting, sewing, photography – the possibilities are endless, but a creative outlet focuses your energies in a positive way that produces vs. a form Negative that consumes

Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “I’m too old to cry, but it hurts too much to laugh.” The sentence is suitable for adults who come from dysfunctional families. However, coming from a family of dysfunctional behaviors doesn’t have to be a miserable life sentence or repeating pattern. With renewed effort and skills, you can create fulfilling relationships and productive families. “GET OUT OF HERE, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN” echoed alone as we discussed the effects of dysfunction.