When you’re in the middle of a breakup you never wanted in the first place, it can be tempting to want to remind your spouse that they’re still married to someone who still loves them very much. I know firsthand that there may be a real concern that if they are out of your presence, they will start to forget what they loved about you. Or they will find that the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is actually true.

So it may be your normal inclination to tell your estranged spouse that you love them every time you talk to or see them. And this is absolutely fine, as long as you get an enthusiastic response. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

A wife might say, “I know that sounds desperate and needy. But I can’t help it. Every time I talk to my estranged husband, I tell him I love him right before I hang up. I’ve done this for everyone.” the years I’ve known him and old habits are hard to die. At the beginning of our separation, this seemed fine. But the last two times, I noticed that she has hesitated before giving an answer. Last night, she didn’t. “Don’t say anything in response. I don’t want to be dense. Obviously he probably thinks I’m doing something wrong or doesn’t want to hear me say I love him during the breakup. But not saying it feels like a lie. It feels like playing games or holding back.” .Am I supposed to pretend I don’t love him? Because I find it ridiculous. I love him. And it seems silly that I don’t love him. I’m supposed to say it every day the same way I have for many years. Do I have to stop?

That really depends on you. I would never tell someone what to do during their marriage or during their separation. I can tell you what my opinion came to be as a result of a similar situation I found myself in. But I know that all situations are different. So I can’t say what worked for me will work for you.

But, during my own separation, it eventually became very clear that my husband was not receptive to my acting in the same way that I had when we were still happily married. When he tried to act like we were just any other couple married or okay, he would get distant or start avoiding me. If he pushed, it would get even worse and I would have to work really hard to get him to take my calls. Frankly, there were times when I could almost literally feel him wince when I told him I loved him.

As hard as it was to accept, I began to realize that if I didn’t change a few things, I might be making this situation worse. So I made a conscious decision to back off a bit. Did this mean that I did not love my husband? No, if anything, she loved him as much or more. But I knew that if he was going to have a chance to keep that love, I would have to find a strategy that would bring him closer to me instead of pushing him further away.

And when I tried to push my love towards him, this definitely made him move further away. So tone down my demonstrations and declarations of love. I told myself that this was only temporary, but it was hard. Still, I knew that the most important thing was my long-term goal and not my declarations of love at the time.

My withdrawal eventually made things better because it finally made my husband more accepting of me again. And his openness to me meant we were able to spend more time together, which never would have happened if he had continued to push me.

I can’t tell you what will work in your own situation. I can only suggest that if you notice something isn’t working, sometimes it makes sense to try something else, even if just once. Maybe the next time you’re talking to your husband and it’s time to say goodbye, you could try something like, “Tonight, I’m not going to insist that I love you, even though I do. I’m sorry that makes you uncomfortable. But I didn’t want you to think that I wasn’t mad or anything. I’m just trying to respect your wishes and not push.”

At this point, your husband might reassure you that love phrases are okay. Or he may not say anything, in which case his silence speaks volumes. If he decides to back off and finds that the next time he speaks he seems more comfortable, then he can speculate that backing off a bit has helped.

I know it may seem strange and almost dishonest to hold back with your own spouse. But a breakup can be a very fragile time in a relationship, especially when one partner has asked for space or isn’t sure what he wants. It became my opinion that if stepping back a bit is what my husband needed to be available to me, she was willing to pay that price at that point. Because I knew it was part of a long-term strategy that would mean I wouldn’t have to hold back once we made up.

Today, I tell him that I love him all the time, so for me it was worth the wait. And I think it helped. But every situation is different. In some situations, both spouses are perfectly comfortable continuing to say they love each other. And that is wonderful. But it wasn’t my reality. Still, if everyone is happy, then I see no reason to hold back.