People keep falling in love. They find someone they want to be with and then after a while they may end up falling out of love. The difficulty seems to be in not knowing how to stay in love. Lasting love requires learning to become a loving and caring partner. What we do know is that in the United States statistics show that about half of all marriages end in divorce. However, many of those who are divorced end up remarrying, and the statistics on the length of those marriages are even worse.

What these statistics show is that lasting relationships take work. Relationships have to move from the early stage of physical infatuation to caring about growing up together.

The task in a healthy relationship is to learn to operate on two levels simultaneously. It is vital that each individual take responsibility for his own development and at the same time learn to care for the well-being of the unit he has formed. Quite simply, the question to ask is “how will what I want to do affect my relationship?”

In my work with couples, I have met many men and women who are very concerned about their personal and professional development and who do not know what they have to do to strengthen the relational bond.

Lasting love is a contract of mutual dependence between two people. The contract is to support each other emotionally and physically as you grow together while supporting each other’s personal development.

Each person has to learn to think on two levels: about himself and at the same time about his partner. This is where I see the process falling apart. I have seen many couples where each acts like a married single and where they let the relationship grow randomly. They haven’t known that the question to ask is “Am I being loving to my partner?” An important part of healthy love is being a lovable person.

Being worthy of love implies accepting the partner with all their humanity and imperfections. It includes worrying that you both need to be okay, if one is struggling to find ways to support each other, share activities, enjoy each other’s company. Love includes showing gratitude toward each other, holding each other accountable, and being friends.