There will be many times in life when you will be in a position to provide support to a friend or family member who is grieving the death of a loved one. No special training is needed. You can stay on the sidelines and let someone else fill the void, or you can help and give strength to continue.

Although each response to a complaint is unique, depending on the nature of the relationship with the deceased person and a host of other factors, here are four things you can do to help any mourner.

1. Become a committed and tireless partner. Great companions at the time of loss are people who are tireless listeners and are undaunted by the pain they witness. It is not an easy task, for sure. This means realizing that you can’t fix it with what you say, but you can give a feeling of hope and security just by your presence. Being close to pain is your greatest challenge and contribution.

The right people are bastions of hope for mourners who know they can be counted on. You will feel if you are the right person to be the escort, or if someone else is better suited for the job.

2. Find solid information to recommend to the bereaved. Both bereaved and carers often need information about complaints and what is normal. We live in a society that denies the inevitable and often produces poor complaint patterns and ultimately ineffective ways of dealing with loss and change. However, there is an extremely wide range of normalcy in the complaint process. For example, some people can’t cry, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply hurt and need support.

Consider getting information from grievance counselors, clergy, support group facilitators, hospice staff, or the wide range of resources on the Internet. Double check them with others and, where appropriate, recommend them to the bereaved.

3. Be someone who can say, “Keep loving.” Loving and feeling loved is arguably the most powerful source of renewal and reinvestment in life after loss. Commonly forgotten as an important coping resource and provider of meaning, it draws us out of ourselves and into healing. Physician Dean Ornish put it this way: “Love promotes survival. Both nurturing and being nurtured are life-affirming.” Choosing to be a more loving person is an approach that always brings reinvestment in life and adjustment to changed conditions dictated by loss.

4. Be someone who may ask, weeks or months later, “How is today?” When you get the common response of “Okay,” immediately follow up with “What’s it really like?” Be prepared to hear what is really going on in the background. Since grieving and adjusting to an environment without a loved one is a long-term process, having someone who understands that things will never go back to the way they were before is a great comfort. Acknowledge that the bereaved is developing new routines and that you can help reinforce progress and normalcy of setbacks that occur.

At the appropriate time, ask “What can I do to help?” which makes it clear that you want to be a trusted long-term partner. This is where you will really be tested and you can make a big contribution by being there constantly. Many support people tire and gradually withdraw.

Effective support people recognize and are willing to spend a lot of time on their roles. In that endeavor, they always remember that there are as many styles of grief as there are lifestyles. The bereaved is in charge of how the loss will be integrated into life without the loved one. You can foster that freedom of choice.

In short, mourners need tireless partners who are open to allowing the grievance to unfold on an individual basis. In this sense, the support person seeks information that can help along the way and, with her mere presence, set an example of the power of love to face the transitions that we all must face.