Sometimes I hear from wives whose husbands tell them they need some “space” or “distance.” Sometimes the husband will even take this one step further and tell the wife that he feels she is “smothering” or “smothering” him, meaning that she is simply holding on too tight or not giving him enough independence. .

Here is a concrete example. I heard of a wife who was working very hard to save her marriage. Recently, she had noticed her husband becoming distant and withdrawn. When she approached him about this, he told her that she was thinking too much and that nothing was wrong. However, he eventually admitted that she thought they might need some time apart because he wasn’t happy with how the marriage was going and wanted some time to “think.”

The wife stayed with friends for a few days, but when she comes back she wants a large-scale campaign to save the marriage. She was trying very hard to be more attentive, to be a better wife, and to bring more happiness and satisfaction to her husband. Unfortunately, this seemed to backfire on her because within a few weeks, her husband became upset and told her that she was “choking” him, that she was “too clingy” and that she “moved around too much”.

The wife had no idea what to do. How are you supposed to save a marriage and make things better from a distance? She was worried that if she left him alone, the marriage would eventually fall apart through neglect. I felt like there was probably a happy medium here somewhere. I tell you some of the tips I gave him in the following article.

One problem here was that the husband never really had his “space” and obviously still wanted it: The wife had tried to comply when her husband asked for time off. But, she was only gone for a few days and when she came back, there was no cooling off period. She immediately went to work to save the marriage. Obviously, this was a bit overwhelming for her husband, who clearly still wanted some time and distance to clear his head.

Instead, he was getting a wife who was asking him to do the opposite and this was obviously frustrating him. The wife’s inclination was to push a little harder, but he was sure this was going to be the wrong decision. Watching scenarios like this, I’ve learned countless times that when your spouse isn’t receptive to this, if you do it too hard, you almost always get the opposite result of what you were looking for.

As much as this wife was terrified to do so, I thought it best to give him the space he had repeatedly asked for. And I thought she was absolutely right to be the one she was leaving. This gives him more control and lets him at least know that he will stay home. So, I suggested that he repeat this process, only this time he would have to realize that he could be gone for more than a few days and that he should make the time away work for him and not against him. of the.

If she wasn’t up for doing this, she should at least back off a bit at home. Clearly, holding on so tight just wasn’t working at all and if she continued down this path, I was very worried that her husband would start to withdraw, ignore her or block her access to him.

Backtracking to gain some ground: I really understand why wives are so reluctant to take time out of their marriages or give their husbands some “space.” I get that you’re worried that once she takes this time, she’ll never come back to you. But, this doesn’t have to be the case if you play your cards right. And you have to realize that that’s where you’re potentially headed anyway at the rate you’re going. Sometimes it makes sense to switch things up and try something new.

The wife in this case would come up with a big dramatic speech telling her husband that he no longer had to worry about her smothering him because she was leaving. This probably wasn’t the best call either. She needed to be very calm and in control when she delivered this message. If she was unable to accomplish this, leaving a detailed note may be a good option.

But, whether you use spoken or written words, the message must be the same. She wanted to convey that the last thing she wanted was for her husband to feel unhappy and frustrated. And it was obvious that her attempts to improve things were doing just that. So, she was going to try to give her husband more time and distance to see if this would make things better. And, she was going to use the time to work on herself and think for herself. Maybe the next time they got back together, they might get a better result than they were getting right now.

How to play it when you back up and give your husband space: He was pretty sure the hardest part of all of this was going to be the wife actually giving her husband the time he had asked for. He knew she was going to be sorely tempted to call, text, or “just check in” excessively so that she didn’t really win much.

For this to work and work well, I had to show her that I was serious and capable of real change. To that end, she needed to take care of other things so we wouldn’t be tempted to “record” more than her husband was comfortable with. She didn’t believe me, but I told her that if she gave her husband the opposite behavior from what he expected, it would actually increase her interest and help him get closer to her instead of away from her.

Better yet, if she could make sure he knew she was hanging out with friends, participating in things she truly enjoyed, and shifting her focus from just him to herself, he’d probably wonder what had changed and be tempted. to investigate for yourself.

Do you see what could potentially happen? The husband could go from being the reluctant party to the fully involved and participating party. And this is precisely what the wife needed to happen. Because when you’re the only one trying to save the marriage or the only one involved in it, you’re at a distinct disadvantage. Pulling back to gain some ground is a way to shift the balance so that it is more favorable to you and more likely to get what you want.