If you can remember the early days of your marriage, chances are neither of you could do enough for the other. When you start dating, it’s like you want to do everything in your power to show the other person how much you care, no matter how much time, energy, or effort it takes. But, after they’ve been together for a while, sometimes this stops being the norm. One spouse may stop trying very hard, while the other spouse may still want to. Eventually, the disappointed spouse may ask for what he wants: more reassurance, more attention, more effort. And the spouse on the receiving end of this might actually promise that she will do better and then, for whatever reason, fail to deliver.

That’s why you might hear a comment like, “I’m not proud of this, but I’ve threatened my husband that I’ll leave him if he doesn’t work harder on our marriage. He’ll excuse himself.” but she eventually promises to do better. She never does. The fact is that he did not ask for the moon and the stars. I only ask that he be an attentive husband and that he act like a man who puts his wife first. As he gets older, the lazier he gets at this. He never wants to take me out to dinner, spend quality time with me, or show me that he cares. His ideal day is to do as little work as possible in his office. , go out for a long round of golf with your laziest friends, and then park yourself in front of the television and even have dinner on the sofa. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t care that he has his hobbies. But there has to be a balance. I will tell him that I need more effort and attention from him or I may have to leave the relationship. It’s only at this point that he will beg me not to go and tell me how much he loves me and that he couldn’t live without me, which is what I’ve wanted to hear this whole time. So, he will promise me that I will see big changes. He may see small amounts of effort for a few days, but then he’ll be back to his old ways almost immediately. I get so tired of this. To me not keeping your promises shows a serious lack of integrity and respect and I am getting ready to walk. Because I’m so tired of this cycle. How can I get it to do what it says it’s going to do?”

There are definitely some things you can try, and it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re asking too much. At the same time, while you can try to change a person’s actions or habits, you can’t really change the essence of who that person is. What I mean by that is that while you can encourage your husband to be more affectionate and demonstrative (and rack up positive feedback when he does), it’s unrealistic to think that you can completely change your husband’s personality to be more aligned with your own

Understand how men can be different: Men are naturally less demonstrative than women. Yes, they can be encouraged and trained a bit to do better. But it will probably never be their natural inclination to be caretakers the way ours is. With all this being said, if you need more from him, then you are well within your rights to ask for it. But, if you really want to get what you want from him, then you have to understand basic human nature.

Understanding duplication: People will generally respond by mirroring what you are giving them. What I mean by this? If you treat your spouse with positive emotions, you are likely to revert to positive behavior. But, if you treat your spouse with negative reinforcement (such as threatening to leave you when he doesn’t act the way you want), then you may get passive-aggressive behavior in return, like what you’re seeing sometimes right now. Please do not get me wrong. I think you have every right to ask for more. I just think I might be flipping it the wrong way to ensure the best result.

Why positive reinforcement can get different results: It is possible that when you threaten to leave him, he feels criticized and rejected, which makes it more difficult for him to give you what you want. I would suggest that he try to use positive reinforcement whenever possible. When presenting him with what he wants, allude to a time when acting in that particular way gave him more of what he wants. So you might try: “Remember that time you made surprise dinner reservations and we barely made it through dinner because I couldn’t keep my hands off you? I miss those times. I wish we could do it again.”

You may not immediately go out and make reservations, but you could try to make more small efforts. And when he does, it’s important that you acknowledge and praise him. Tell him how good it makes you feel when he tries to express his affection to you. The reason for this is that it is very important that he does not think that he will never reach his high standards. Because if he thinks this, he might not even try it. Instead, you should give him small achievable goals, praise him when he achieves them, and then just gradually level up as he gains confidence.

The other day, I saw a celebrity on a talk show and was asked how she stayed happily married for twenty years. She recounted a story in which her husband had told her that he had charged her cell phone and then proceeded to hand it over while his hands were full and he was in danger of dropping it. She said that she had learned to read between the lines. Instead of getting angry that she passed the phone to him when she already had her arms full of her, she knew that the way she took care of her and showed her care was by holding the phone for her. Sometimes you have to look for those little moments and then praise them so that she wants to do more for you. As you gain success with this, you will gradually ask for more and more, offering encouragement all the while.