Our mother is our first love. She is our introduction to life and to ourselves. She is our lifeline for safety. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with it. We naturally crave her physical and emotional nurturing, her touch, her smile, and her protection. Her empathic reflection of our feelings, desires, and needs to her informs us who we are and that we have value. A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize damages the healthy psychological development of her children. Like Narcissus in the Greek myth, she only sees a reflection of herself. There is no boundary between her and her children, whom she cannot see as uniquely lovable individuals. The symptoms of narcissism that make up narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) vary in severity, but inevitably compromise the narcissist’s ability to parent.

lake of limits

Some of the effects on daughters are different than on sons, because girls tend to spend more time with their mother and see her as a role model. Due to the lack of boundaries, narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters as threats and as attached to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to turn their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized selves. At the same time, they project onto their daughter not only unwanted and denied aspects of themselves, such as self-centeredness, stubbornness, selfishness, and coldness, but also unpleasant traits of their own mothers. They may prefer your child, though they may harm him in other ways, such as through emotional incest.

emotional unavailability

The emotional comfort and closeness that normal maternal tenderness and care provide are absent. Narcissistic mothers may attend to her daughter’s physical needs, but leave her emotionally deprived. The daughter may not realize what she is missing, but she longs for the mother’s warmth and understanding of her that she can experience with friends or relatives or witness in other mother-daughter relationships. She longs for an elusive connection, felt fleetingly or never. She does not learn to identify and value her emotional needs, nor does she know how to satisfy them. What remains is emptiness and/or anxiety, the feeling that something is missing, and the inability to nurture and comfort herself. She may seek to fill it in other relationships, but the pattern of emotional unavailability is often repeated.

narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse, including repeated shaming and controlling, undermines a girl’s development of identity, creating insecurity and low self-esteem. She cannot trust her own feelings and impulses, and concludes that it is her fault that her mother is upset with her. Little does she know that her mother will never be satisfied. In severe cases of emotional or physical abuse or neglect, a daughter may feel that she has no right to exist, that she is a burden to her mother, and that she should never have been born. If not also abusive, often the husbands of narcissistic women are passive and do not protect their daughters from maternal abuse. Some mothers lie and hide the abuse from her. A daughter does not learn to protect and defend herself. She may feel helpless or may not even recognize the abuse later in abusive adult relationships.

toxic shame

She rarely, if ever, feels accepted simply for being herself. She must choose between sacrificing herself and losing her mother’s love: a pattern of self-denial and accommodation repeats itself as codependency. in adult relationships. Her real self is rejected, first by her mother and then by herself. The consequence is internalized toxic shame, based on the belief that the real me is not loved. How could she be lovable when her own mother did not love or accept her? Boys are supposed to love their mothers and vice versa! To the shame of a daughter is added the anger or hatred towards her mother that she does not understand. She believes that it is further proof of her wickedness and that all of her mother’s criticisms must be true. She never feels well enough, her life is one of continuous effort and lack of satisfaction. Since love must be earned, her adult relationships may repeat a cycle of abandonment.

control

People with NPD are myopic. The world revolves around them. They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices when they can, and take it as a personal affront by serving as punishment when they can’t. Parenting is often, “My way or the highway.” Self-involvement leads some narcissistic mothers to focus only on themselves or their sons, and neglect or deprive their daughters.

Other mothers want their daughter to look and be her best “according to them,” but paralyze their daughters in the process through criticism and control. Such mothers try to live through their daughter, whom they see as an extension of themselves. They want her to dress and behave like them, and for her to choose boyfriends, hobbies, and jobs that they would. “For her own good,” they may forbid or criticize anything her daughter likes or wants, undermining her ability to think for herself, to know what she wants, to choose for herself and to chase him. Her attention on her daughter is accompanied by envy and expectations of gratitude and fulfillment from her.

Competence

Believing that she is “the most beautiful of all” or fearing that she is not, motivates narcissistic mothers not only to criticize their daughter, but to compete with her for the love of her husband and children. Such mothers may deny or fail to protect their daughter from her if they abuse her. They may belittle or put down their boyfriends because “they’re not good enough,” but they still compete for her attention and flirt with them. To be in control and number one in their daughter’s life, they may invade her daughter’s privacy and undermine her relationships with friends and other relatives.

Recovery

Recovering from the trauma of growing up with feelings of rejection and shame takes time and effort. Ultimately, it means recovery from codependency. Start by identifying and understanding that shameful messages and beliefs passed down from mother to daughter are false. Replacing the internalized, negative, motherly voice – the inner critic – with self-care is an important step. Recovery involves both healing the past and learning new skills to overcome codependency.

©DarleneLancer 2017