Some women approach sex with romantic illusions. They expect a lover to be so aroused by her body that she will ‘drive them crazy’ with her sexual passion. They may not accept the need to offer more excitement.

The ‘responses’ of women with a lover are driven by social attitudes. For example, in the past women were often expected NOT to respond to intercourse. Men considered it unseemly for a woman to cooperate with intercourse. Perhaps the idea that a woman might be getting something out of the activity pressure a man continue sexual intercourse for longer than you could. This is further evidence that women’s responses to a lover involve behaviors instead of spontaneous sexual answers. No one can easily suppress their natural responsiveness for long periods.

The movies use sound effects to indicate that a couple is having sex off-screen: a regular bang (of a bed against the wall) and the woman’s vocal accompaniment. Such scenes can be arousing for men, but it seems to me that men like to turn female arousal into a sick joke. Male fantasies put tremendous pressure on women to conform to men’s view of their sexuality. The female orgasm is associated more with porn than real life.

Men who watch porn (I realize that’s any man with access to a computer!) expect all women (even their wives) to provide these titillants. Some women are never exposed to accounts of how women provide a ‘sexual performance’ for the gratification of a male audience. Even if they are, many women aren’t equipped with the sexual instincts to put on this erotic spectacle. Men seem to think that every woman has the skills of a porn star, a prostitute, or a mistress. Such a woman must not be offended by the carnal instincts of men and be able to put on a convincing erotic performance.

We experience intimacy not only through sex but also through inflicting pain. We hurt others (either physically or by what we say) because it feels good. We get a form of personal but not necessarily sexual gratification. Women can be bullies just as much as men, but they are not equipped (physically or emotionally) to forcibly extract sexual gratification from others.

In the UK there were 53,665 sexual offenses (rape, sexual assault, sexual activity with minors and “other sexual offences”) in 2011. There were only 103 women arrested for sexual offenses (compared to 10,832 men). The vast majority of women had an ‘other sexual offence’ type of crime.

While women often don’t appreciate the importance that men give to eroticism men seldom appreciate the importance that women give to affection.