Why do some people hurt others?

Every human being seeks happiness, although happiness is something different for each one of us. When babies are born, they intuitively cry when hurt and smile when loved or pampered. Some of them then choose pain over pleasure. Why?

Children’s natural instincts lead them to love and care.

When a child is born, the child’s natural and intuitive response to gestures of love and affection is positive, while the response in case of pain or neglect is crying and sadness. This is the natural response in all children, regardless of their origin, ethnicity or social class. Most of them will also treat those around them the same way they themselves are treated. If love is what you get, love is what you give. Unless something terrible happens, children grow up responding in the same way, loving others first. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some children are exposed to certain experiences in their early years that teach them to treat other human beings in other ways.

When children hear threats and see physical dominance as a regular part of their days, such behaviors can become the norm, the example to imitate and copy. If their role models often insult, criticize or make fun of others, that is what they will learn and aspire to do. They will slowly change their innate reactions, gradually convincing themselves that their reality is as it should be, even if their innermost feelings seem to contradict what they see others doing. Little by little, the first impulses that lead these children to smile and love when they are smiled and loved weaken and change because their experience teaches them that these reactions are not right. By observing those around them, those whose behavior is their example, they begin to control their intuitive responses and adopt new ones more similar to those they observe in their immediate environment.

Most abusers and stalkers learn their behavior from their elders.

Unless there is an alternative behavior that makes them question what they see, many of those children will take the example in front of them as the norm. They will see abusing others as the logical way to be an adult. They will understand that relationships require violent and aggressive speech. They will expect submission from others if they want to be what they should be. Some will take the opposite view, true; that of victim or victims, the only second role they witness in their early years. In this case, they could also grow to show similar behaviors.

When those children are exposed to other models, their early beliefs are already established and strengthened. It will not be until they are much older that the other alternatives become visible or accessible to them. By then, they will reject them because their convictions are already quite strong. They will reproduce their learned behavior and step on others to gain admiration or dominance, not even considering that there might be a different path. Let us not forget that, for them, that is the norm.

Most bullies, abusers, tyrants, and racists are created this way. They just follow the example they had in their early years. Without questioning their convictions for quite a few years, they were never really given a different opportunity.

Society needs to offer children alternative role models to change learned patterns of abuse.

If society is to change, if violence and aggression are to become the exception rather than the norm, alternative roles must be present in all children’s early years. If negative role models are to be overturned, more positive role models need to be experimented with to give those children the opportunity to question the former. Only by making a general effort of the whole society can we uproot those deep and rooted beliefs that travel from generation to generation and perpetuate violence against other weaker human beings.

When an abusive parent shows dominance, a young child needs to be exposed to loving and respectful parents in other families. Faced with a harsh, critical, insulting speech, the child must listen to others treat their peers with love and respect, perhaps from those around them, to counteract the model that the child has. When an adult abuses others weaker, the child must also see how other adults protect the victim and question the abuser. Only then will our society change; when those young children whose beliefs are now taking hold are given the opportunity to embrace and preserve their natural instincts to love, support and care for others, as first felt at birth.

It’s time to stop the spread of abusive roles.

Abuse and violence will not be eradicated by policies, rules or laws. They will not be eliminated from society by treatments and therapies. The only real path is through education, offering our youngest alternative models that prevent them from replicating destructive and aggressive behaviors. The necessary effort is global, of the whole society. No adult should look away in the presence of children when inappropriate behavior is displayed. No adult should laugh when others are ridiculed or made fun of. All adults should aim to share positive and respectful relationships so that little witnesses also have the opportunity to adopt them.

No violence should be fought with greater violence. There is no need for that. If we consider that all human beings are born to enjoy being loved and cared for, why not make it a worldwide movement to prevent as many children as possible from changing their beliefs just by offering them an alternative? That’s all it takes, really. When societies publicly display that powerful message of support and care, most children will be exposed to it. It’s time to stop looking the other way or enjoy the show. It is time to guide our younger generations in a more positive direction.

Enjoy life… EVERYTHING,

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