Although I am not a doctor, my advice comes from a combination of personal experience and therapy provided to me by professionals. Leaving someone controlling and/or abusive can be (and usually is) a dangerous situation, so more than anything, my wish for you is that you call your local domestic violence hotline and get help finding a therapist who can help you in your search. It really helps to have help from these places, as they can help you find accommodation, clothing, advice, and more, all just by asking. The help I received from various agencies to leave my ex was totally free. Don’t let your fear of these places scare you. You don’t have to stay in a shelter if you don’t want to. Je n’ai pas. There are alternatives for everything. It is scarier to continue living with violence, the home should be a place of refuge, not of fear. Let others help you, to get not only guidance but also support.

First, I will briefly explain my story. I met a charming and wealthy (or so I thought) businessman on a reputable online dating site. We hit it off, long story short, I moved in with him. As time went on, it became clear to me that he was hiding something. And I caught him lying about a lot of things, big and small. After some snooping around, it was revealed that the man had just dumped another woman after trying to steal her money. And, he’d been married more times than he’d let on. His whole story was a lie. I was devastated. The more I tried to talk to him, the worse our relationship became. He became violent, controlling, and would disappear on business trips, returning with “signs” from another woman. He started making threats and became physically violent. Without the free cell phone that the domestic violence agency gave me, she would have been seriously injured or killed. He was about to leave him, that was what unleashed his violent fury. I was injured, stabbed in the hand with a knife, but I fought it off and locked myself in the bathroom while I called the police. They arrested him, gave him a restraining order, and I finished moving my stuff the next day. So, I left forever.

After this situation, I drove to a new city, far from where he was, and got a new apartment. It took me a few days, so I stayed in a hotel until I found the right place. The first place wasn’t very good, but it was safe, even if I had to sleep on the floor. All my things were stored in another state. I didn’t care, it felt good to know I was free from the horrible person trying to control me, intimidate me and hurt me. With me were my two cats, who were traumatized but fine. They adapted to hotel life and the new place quicker than I thought they would. Over time, I found a beautiful place, took my furniture out of storage and bought new furniture. Now, I live on a lake, happily free from any pain.

So what to do first? Start as far in advance of your move as possible. Quietly eliminate things that are of value to you. Abusers will often destroy things of value to their victims, it is part of their control issues. Pack a suitcase with the basics and store it too. You will need it if you leave in a hurry. Also, bring important papers, photos, and documents. Put them in a storage unit or apartment that is NOT close to your current residence. That way, when you’re gone, you won’t need to drive near the abuser’s place. Only take things that are not easily noticed, if confronted, never tell the abuser what he is doing. Your safety largely depends on it. It’s about self-preservation, you’re an adult and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Just calmly dismiss any attempts to find out what you’re doing and be as discreet as possible in removing items.

Calmly and without anger, coexist with your partner while secretly getting help elsewhere. She maintains a balanced temperament, so as not to add tension to an already strained relationship. You need to keep the peace, the best you can. Read about the “Cycle of Violence”. It explains the buildup of tension before a fight, the fight, then the “honeymoon” period afterward. It’s a brochure that every domestic violence agency has and gives out to anyone who lives with an abusive partner. And it’s helpful in understanding the dynamics of abusers and how to respond to them. If you can, go to a support group. In this way, you can discuss your weekly activities with other people who are also going through difficult situations. A good group, in my opinion, is the one that listens to stories, but also gives ideas on how to deal with each situation. Listening to the stories of others helped me gain the strength to leave.

Living with someone abusive can drain your energy, consume your mind with the hope of a better life later (no, you can’t fix the person, believe me), and make you feel utterly worthless. Remember, it is the situation you find yourself in and not a definition of who you really are. You’re a good person, in a bad relationship. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Friends of mine got mad at me for not leaving sooner, they didn’t understand why I didn’t get up and go to a shelter. I had pets (shelters don’t accept them) and I refused to leave them with the abuser. I planned everything to leave and not leave anything of mine behind, especially my pets. Protect your pets by leaving them with other people for safekeeping, if possible. Abusers sometimes kill pets because they know they are important to the victim. People may be mad at you for not leaving when they think you “should,” but only you know when the time is right. Sometimes it takes a few rehearsals before the actual time you leave, but when you’re really fed up, you’ll know when and you’ll be done with the person. Remember, the MOST DANGEROUS time in the relationship is when you leave the abuser, this is when the murders usually happen. They are losing control over you and will react in any way they can to take control. Take this seriously if you’re going to leave. Don’t let others dictate when you are ready, trust your own judgement.

Abusive people often like to control and isolate their victims. Sometimes it’s subtle, but over time, the controlled person slowly isolates himself from his friends and family. Every case is different. Be aware of this, and for this reason, it is important to have a confidant you can turn to, who will be there for you. It could be a friend, a coworker, or a therapist. Just someone to talk to, to touch base with, who is trustworthy and won’t tell the abuser what you’re doing. Talking with others helps you not isolate yourself and keep all the stress inside. In my case, I used friends in another state and a therapist from the domestic violence center. Fight isolation. Give yourself the ability to be around others and interact with them. This gives you a voice, increases your confidence, and lets others know if you need help or not.

When you are ready to leave, ask for the help of agencies or human services if necessary to help you with the move. A local church helped me with lightweight items for free so I could use my own money to pay a moving company for heavier items. I moved fast, not knowing how long the authorities would keep my ex in jail. Call, find out who is willing to help. Look for good moving rates. A guy tried to raise the price of the move, I told him to go away. Don’t let moving scammers take advantage of your situation, stand firm and don’t take any extra payment crap from anyone. Don’t be shy, this is a good time to build your self-esteem by standing up for yourself. Do not say any of this to the abuser. Plan the move when you know your partner will be away for a long period of time, at least a few hours. This is a new life and you have no part of it, so you don’t need to be a part of it AT ALL.

Plan ahead how to leave with the children involved by discussing the situation with an attorney. If you can’t afford one, call and find a lawyer who will do “pro-bono” (free legal advice) work. They are out there, and you can find them if you look. Or go to a legal aid society in your area and ask them what to do. They are in major cities and are there to help those who cannot afford legal representation.

Walk away from the person’s life abruptly and don’t look back. If you must go to court against your spouse for any reason, take someone with you or ask court staff to walk you to your car if you are afraid of the person. Be proactive, defend yourself from being a victim. I was carrying pepper spray in the form of a pen that I bought at an online auction. And I had another one at my house, too. It pays to be as prepared as possible against attacks. Some people take self defense courses. Violence can happen in the blink of an eye, so it pays to be vigilant if the abuser is making threats. Don’t underestimate threats. Many people die thinking that their spouse would never be capable of murder. Sometimes violent threats with weapons go wrong and accidents happen. Never underestimate threats or aggression. Always.

By being vigilant and planning ahead for a new life, you are on your way to a more fulfilling life, if you so choose. It won’t feel good at first, but it will get better, trust me. Time is your friend in this. Remember, you have value, nobody defines you, you define yourself. In the end, it’s about taking care of yourself and getting the victim out. Be an overcomer. It might mean sleeping on the floor of an unfurnished apartment for a while, or on a friend’s couch, but that’s okay. Do what is best for you in the situation. Do not look back and do NOT have contact with the abuser. If he does, the person will try to make amends, to try to win him back, most likely. Don’t believe any of it. Staying means increased aggression. That is part of the Cycle of Violence. You can do much better. One day at a time.