It is almost universally accepted that a woman who has an unfaithful husband is a woman who will fight against confidence and self-esteem. I must admit that I have known women who stood firm in the knowledge that they were wonderful people who did nothing wrong. A neighbor and close friend once said of her husband and his self-esteem: “Why should I change my view of myself? The problem is with him, not with me. He is the one who should suffer a blow to his self-confidence. I’m worried, I have all the cards. I can tell what’s going on with our marriage and our life. ” I used to envy this prospect, especially in the beginning. Because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t adopt it myself.

Intellectually, I knew it was not my fault. I also knew that technically nothing had changed in me and therefore I shouldn’t feel “less than.” But I couldn’t stop all those nasty worries from creeping through my mind, like, “I’m getting old and there’s a lot you can do to turn back the clock.” Or “maybe I’ve gotten bored and I’m not that exciting to be with her since I became a mother.” Or “how can I compete with younger, more enthusiastic and naive women in my husband’s office?” All of these worries sapped my self-esteem.

And I know that I am not alone. I have wives who come up to me and tell me that their self-esteem and confidence have taken great blows after learning of their husband’s affair. They might say things like, “I admit I don’t look exactly like I did the day my husband married me. But who does? And normally, I’d give myself a break from that. But I feel like my looks may have come into play. in terms of my husband’s affair. I wonder if he would have looked outside of our marriage if I had been thinner or more attentive. I admit that most of what I talk about these days is centered around childcare. And now I wonder if my husband just thinks I’m dumb and boring. He says he wants to save our marriage and says I’m just as beautiful and interesting as I’ve always been. He seems to be trying to communicate honestly. But I have a hard time believing him. If this were all Right, why would he have cheated on me? When I am with my husband, sometimes I find it difficult to look him in the eye. I have caught myself starring at my feet sometimes. My husband is a successful person. He is very intelligent. His brain is always working swimming. I feel like he might look down on me because all I do is stay home with the kids. When I said this to my mom, she told me that I need to drop this attitude and raise my confidence level soon because no man is going to be attracted to someone who doubts themselves. She says that when I act like I’m not good enough, my husband might eventually start to believe this. “

I agree with your mother. Presenting yourself as “less than” to both your husband and yourself doesn’t help anyone. It’s not fair to you and it’s not accurate either. That said, I know how difficult it can be to act or pretend to be confident when you don’t feel safe. But I learned that you really should give it a try. In this case, you really have to fake it until you make it. If you present yourself exactly how you feel, then you are walking around insecure, broken, and only partially complete. That is not who you are or how you should see yourself (especially when it is not you who did something wrong).

I can and will share a few things that helped me regain some of my confidence, but you have to play around with different things until you find what works for you. I took an inventory of the things that bothered me individually (and not the things that I perceived might upset my husband). For example, when I evaluated the concern that I was too old, I looked at things objectively and told myself that this was something that was not really valid. Aside from looking my best and trying to maintain my enthusiasm and energy for life, I just didn’t feel comfortable pretending to be younger than I was or trying to be someone I’m not. My husband knows my age very well. I can’t fool you into thinking I’m younger. I can look as good as possible. And I can stay fit to be healthy. But part of being healthy is not obsessing over it. And it is not respecting myself to envy my life experience.

However, one thing I didn’t discount was the feeling that I was isolating myself due to parenthood. Please don’t misunderstand this. I adore my children and consider parenthood as one of the main reasons I am on this Earth. But I decided to take a few classes just to continue using my intellect in other ways to boost my confidence. It felt good knowing that if something happened to my marriage, I could take care of myself. And I think that made both my husband and I respect myself more.

I addressed parts of my appearance and my dress that made me happy. I did not make changes based on what I thought my husband might want. I made changes based on what I wanted. I think this is a very important distinction. I made changes that made me feel good. When you feel good, it is much easier to project confidence because you really do.

Again, these things are going to be very individual. I can’t tell what bothers you when you are objectively determining where you lack confidence. But we all have these places. The matter sheds light on them. They were already there, but now they are intensifying, of course. So now is the time to address them and know that you never have to let anyone see you or treat you as “less than,” and that includes yourself. Do your best to keep your head up and project confidence, and eventually true confidence will follow.